


all of the stars

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Series: carry on countdown 2020 [14]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Insecurity, Lack of Communication, M/M, Post-Book 1: Carry On, Pre-Book 2: Wayward Son, Unhappy Ending, as per canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27960803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: Baz plans a date for he and Simon to go star gazing. Inevitably, it goes wrong.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: carry on countdown 2020 [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026733
Kudos: 12
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	all of the stars

**Author's Note:**

> Carry On Countdown Day 14, DEC 8: Constellation(s)

**Baz**

This night is not going to plan. It was supposed to be romantic, and nostalgic, and all the other shit that you get in those Hallmark movies ITV2 imports from America. There are candles and all of Simon's favourite foods, and Baz really thought he was being romantic! Except, now they're both sat in the dark, in the cold (because December is a great time to be having a date outside, Basil) not speaking to one another, and Baz thinks he might've really fucked it up this time. 

That night a lifetime ago when they'd sat on his bed and Simon had shared his magic with him - that had been the most powerful he'd ever felt. Simon's magic had lit him up inside, like fire and lightening and pure energy. It had been an otherworldly thing to have access to that much power, and it's no wonder really that being without has started driving Simon a bit mad. He must feel as though he's lost a limb. It had been the most thrilling thing Baz thought he'd ever experience, and he means it in every sense of the word. And then Simon had kissed him in the middle of a forest fire and lit him up inside all over again, and suddenly that night in the stars had paled in comparison.

Tonight wasn't supposed to be a reminder of everything that was lost - of everything Simon had sacrificed just to be here, breathing, in a world where magic still existed. It was supposed to show him that that excitement could still be there, that he hadn't lost everything. Holding Simon's hand that night had been the first time they'd ever been soft with each other, and that was a kind of magic in and of itself. Now, he could hold Simon's hand whenever he wanted, just reach out and take it and feel that thrum all over again.

But maybe not right now, because right now Simon is curled in on himself, legs drawn up to his chest, sat on the very edge of the blanket Baz had laid out for them, staring out into the distance. He looks lost in thought, still uncharacteristic of him, and Baz wants to hear what he's thinking about, but doesn't know how to ask. Even now, he still doesn't know how to talk feelings with Simon. 

He looks up at the sky which is pitch black, with barely a slither of a moon in the distance. It's no good trying to star gaze when there are no stars in sight. He really should've organised this better, but he'd had the idea and wanted to put it into action as soon as possible. He'd not bothered checking things like temperature or visibility, and now he's paying for it. He takes another swallow of sickly wine in the hopes that the alcohol will calm him down because right now he feels like he's any minute away from a full blown breakdown. He'd wanted this to be perfect, and he's fucked it all up.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, and the words are still alien to him, but he's trying. 

He hopes that that might melt the icy front Simon's putting on, but no such luck. "Just take me home," Simon replies, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand.

They pack up the half-hearted picnic in silence, and Baz drives Simon back to his flat just the same. He wants to do something like kiss him, even just on the cheek, to give them both a sign that this isn't the end, that there's tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that. He's just not sure that Simon isn't entirely repulsed by him in this moment, and doesn't want to do anything to make it worse.

**Simon**

When he gets out of the car neither of them have said anything in what feels like an age. Simon knows he's screwed this all up. Baz had arranged a beautiful date for them both, the kind of romantic, caring gesture that Simon would never be able to think of in a trillion years. He'd taken them up to a spot on a hill where they could see most of the surrounding town having rented a car specifically for the date, and had laid out Simon's favourite food and some wine and a blanket, and the whole thing had been like something out of the kind of terrible film that Penny pretends she doesn't love to watch. Then Simon had gone and ruined it.

It wasn't even Baz's fault, nor the date. He'd understood the reference. The stars, like when Simon had shared his magic with Baz. They'd bickered their way through that the way they bicker their way through everything. Baz had, in returned, tried to share this. Simon wasn't necessarily upset about the reminder of him not having magic anymore. Or, maybe he was, but it wasn't that he resented Baz for still having it.

It was more, a date like that was a sign Baz cared. It was a sign that Simon was worth doing something so meaningful for, that he was worth the effort. And Simon didn't feel much like that these days. Plus, he's seen enough terrible romantic films to know that nights like that only led to one thing, and Simon was not even nearly ready for that.

It's not that he doesn't want to, necessarily. He does. He knows Baz is gorgeous, and he is attracted to him, and he would like to take that step. But if he takes his clothes off, there's nowhere left for him to hide, and Baz will see clear as day just how much Simon isn't worth the effort. At all. He used to dream of a day when he'd no longer have to put up with Baz, but he was a naive kid then, and now he can't stand the thought of losing him. 

The irony is, is that if he carries on like this, he probably will. There's only so many times he can give Baz the silent treatment on a date before Baz starts to think he just isn't interested. Like he says, he _knows_ Baz is gorgeous, he knows it wouldn't be all that difficult for him to find someone better, someone who can give Baz what he wants, who isn't just the shell left over from a time when he was the most powerful person in the world.

He doesn't know how he'd even begin to tell Baz any of this. They've never talked much, and now that they're boyfriends, it's no different. There's a lot of stretched silences that most normal people would probably be able to fill with chatter, but Simon doesn't know how. He doesn't know how to be anyone's friend, let alone their boyfriend. He'd been just as incompetent with Agatha, except then he'd always felt that their endgame was a given. Nothing about he and Baz is a certainty, but he is certain that is something doesn't give, there'll be no more he and Baz. He just can't seem to open his mouth to tell him that that would be the worst thing that could possibly happen to him, and he doesn't know if he ever will.

**Author's Note:**

> i genuinely can't believe i've managed to post something everyday for two weeks straight. who is this active woman, and where was she when i hadn't posted for, like, a year in march?
> 
> also, i DO NOT condone drink driving. it's one glass so nowhere near the legal limit in the UK, but it's never a good idea!
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! 
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because _uni_ , but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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